i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Randomize
