If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Randomize
