I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
