Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
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i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit
Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
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There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
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