did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
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