Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Well still if someone cared enough about u to wish an unwanted child or a disease on u ..u must have been doing something right
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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