She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
He kissed a someone with a penis
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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