Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
Randomize
