I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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