Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
When someone comes out of your vagina and stomps on your dreams, you'll understand.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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