I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
