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Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
