i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Mom got drunk as hell, crashed Dad's wedding and some how left with the best man. This is why you should be glad you aren't my sibling.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
