my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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