wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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