apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
he laminated a picture of his dick.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
Randomize
