Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
I was ready to fuck him until he pulled the "I might be bi curious" card. Now its turned into a guilt fuck. It's like he's a 3rd world child in need of a sexual orientation.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
