I wish I could punch you in the face.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
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