I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
The more and more I drink I keep rationalizing banging eye patch girl
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
