Whats the glycemic index on semen?
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
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