I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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