I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
