so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
