Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Randomize
