Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
So I thought you might like to hear how I went to sams club to print some pictures and suddenly there was 20 pictures of your dick and my snatch on the screen
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Randomize
