Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
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