She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
