Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
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