Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
