see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Ross. Joey. Chandler. Who would you do?
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
you inspire me to be a worse person
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Randomize
