i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
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