meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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