I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Dude where are you? I've been here an hour and all I've done is get head from a random in the stairwell.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
