If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
It's an Italian thing I guess, grew up on that shit.
I'm Irish, we don't eat cow guts unless they're blended into a fine whiskey
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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