remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
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