she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Randomize
