Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
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I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
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My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I'm sure we could go all project runway on our diapers and create some flattering absorbent thongs. We could do it on the Boat. Call it project rumway.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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