I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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