i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
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I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
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I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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