We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
