no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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