Where did you get a picture of my penis
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Don't tell me you're on acid again
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
Randomize
