So his roomate was eating breakfast when I was sneaking out. He's the guy I took home from jessicas wedding. I ended up eating coco puffs with him
Just another sign I need to get out of this town
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
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She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
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