Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Hey I had a great night last night but I don't want to lie to you I'm only 19 and that wasn't my place its was my cousin he's gone for the summer and I was just house sitting and watching his cat I'm sorry
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
