I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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