he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
I'm eating dry tortillas on a mattress without a sheet. and i thought my life would change after graduation.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
you blew the guy with all the harry potter paraphanelia didn't you
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
Randomize
