He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
She needs sedatives and a leash
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
