we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Randomize
