i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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