I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
