I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
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