I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
I feel like we should apologize to the light saber. We were REALLY inappropriate with it last night.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
Randomize
