Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
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Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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