I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
