My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
There needs to be waaaay more alcohol in my apartment if I am going to survive being unemployed
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
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