direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
